Complicated Simplicity

2011 was a great year

this year was amazing

• we settled into our new church
• we became members at our church
• paul started interning at church
• we made a wawillion new friends that already feel like family
• i got to spend lots of quality time with little ollie
• scott and lisa came to visit
• we went up mt st helens (and couldn't see it)
• we went to fort clatsop
• paul's mom came to visit
• we went to crater lake
• we toured oregon caves nm
• we drove to california
• we saw some redwoods
• we drove the length of the 101 in oregon
• we watched the sun set into its pocket over the ocean
• we met paul "how do you do"
• we went berry picking on sauvie island
• we explored the olympic peninsula
• we went star-gazing on hurricane ridge
• we saw tons of deer and a black bear
• we really settled into oregon
• paul took a trip home to michigan
• we discovered the amazingness that is breakfast at bumblekiss
• we had amazing grilled cheesus' from the grilled cheese grill
• we celebrated eight years of marriage
• paul put his second decade behind him
• i gave up my addiction to pop
• i read 50+ books
• i made everyone's christmas presents
• i went without my driver's license for seven months
• i got my oregon license
• i got a library card
• paul switched from NKJV to ESV for his preferred version
• we spent thanksgiving with our second family
• we're taking a trip home to michigan to spend Christmas with our families

there's so much more, but i can't possibly list them all. farewell 2011, you were awesome! welcome 2012-i cannot wait to see what you have in store!

the journey...on Bible study (pt. 05)

a list of resources for you:

Bibles

• The New Inductive Study Bible-it has an overview of the inductive process, notes and things to look for in each chapter, and lots of room to mark. i absolutely love it.
• The Life Application Study Bible-this is my "normal" Bible. i love that it doesn't have columned text, and it has great charts and maps and such. it's a great resource and help for my study each day.
• note: you need to find a translation that works for you. my favorite is the New King James Version, because i'm most familiar with it. i do, however, also love the New American Standard Bible (which my Inductive Bible is), and the New International Version.

Books

• How to Study Your Bible by Kay Arthur-great book on the what and how-to of inductive study. it's a great place to start if you're new to inductive study.
• there are tons of different books on different methods. don't give up because one doesn't work for you. keep your eyes open.

Marking Tools

• Crayola colored pencils-pretty inexpensive and they work great for marking my Bible and maps and such. twelve colors seem to be enough.
• ZIG Millennium pens-i use the number 05 ones and love them. they don't bleed through the pages of my Bible and are archival quality and acid free (super important to me). they're also waterproof and come in enough colors. NOTE-the link goes to a newer/similar product as mine, but not the EXACT ones. i think the company switched and such.
• NISB bookmark-you can purchase one from the Precept Ministries site. inexpensive, and super helpful.
• inductive study sheet-a free pdf you can print off and keep with your study things.

Websites/Blog Posts

• Precept Ministries-a great resource for info on inductive study as well as a place to buy the Bible, books and all things inductive Bible study related.
• Life Blessons is a great blog by Carmen. she posts a lot about faith and her own journey and it's been such an encouragement and inspiration to me. some of my favorite posts of hers (related to Bible study): how a 3-ring binder has changed the way i pray and spend time with God, selecting a Bible reading plan for a new year, and embracing what my prayer time looks like in different seasons of life.

anyway, i hope that gives you some places to start and some encouragement in your own journey. thanks for reading!!

as always, i'd love to hear your comments and questions!!! :-)

Mon-pt. 01-feeling like a failure

Tues-pt. 02-basics of inductive study

Wed-pt. 03-how i do it (step-by-step)

Thurs-pt. 04-why i love it + why it works for me

Fri-pt. 05-list of resources

the journey...on Bible study (pt. 04)

now that you know how i study, i'd like to share why i love it and why it works for me.

first, i love learning. i love gaining new information and insight and knowledge. and i love being able to do it on my own. i love that the inductive way of studying is based upon taking the virtually plain text and learning from it alone at first. it makes me very excited to work through it on my own and think through it and form my own opinions before relying on the opinion of others.

second, i need things to be very organized. my binder is set up in a certain way. i follow certain steps, in a certain order every time i study. everything follows a set pattern that is rigid, but not date-dependant (meaning i don't read this on this day and that on that day). this process helps me to remain organized and process everything in an organized manner.

third, it allows me to work through the Bible in the way i want. i don't do well with the OT, NT and a Psalm each day plan. i like to stick to one storyline at a time. i like to go genesis-revelation. this allows me the flexibility to hop around if i'd like, but go straight through if i'd rather (which i'd rather :-).

fourth, i can choose what i'm going to focus on. i can pull out all of the key things (which is what i generally do), but i can also add in other things. marriage isn't a key topic in what i've studied so far, however, there are a couple of mentions of it and i want to keep track of those things as i work my way through the Bible.

i'm sure i will keep tweaking my process as my needs change, but for now it's working great for me. i really love the process and what i'm learning and how it's working out for me. i look forward to it each day.

tomorrow i'll share a list of some resources and products that i use/recommend. things that may help you on your journey.

feel free to ask any questions you may have!!!

Mon-pt. 01-feeling like a failure

Tues-pt. 02-basics of inductive study

Wed-pt. 03-how i do it (step-by-step)

Thurs-pt. 04-why i love it + why it works for me

Fri-pt. 05-list of resources

the journey...on Bible study (pt. 03)

i am going to give you a step-by-step glimpse into how i study my Bible. this post is photo-heavy-ish and will probably be a little longer than the rest in the series. :-)

these photos are from my current study of Genesis. for Genesis, i've been going chapter by chapter. in other books, i may read the whole book all at once vs. going chapter by chapter. it just depends on what the text kind of calls for.

also, i do not necessarily do all of these steps in one day. often, i'll do steps two and three one day, and four through eight the next, followed by nine the third day. or i'll do all but nine on one day and finish it up the next. it just depends on how long the chapter is and how packed it is. basically, if i catch myself rushing through it or dreading it, i will stop for the day and pick up the next day (or later on in the day).

it does me no good to do it half-heartedly. my goal is to be present in every moment of my study. to have a right heart attitude.

before i begin, i pull out my supplies. i keep them all in a plastic tote to keep everything together and easy to grab.

step one: prayer

i start out by praying. for requests on my list. for anything that comes to mind. for understanding and clarity about what i'm about to read/study. for distractions to cease. i will admit that i am a terrible pray-er. i struggle with it more than anything else. and i plan to write a post about that in and of itself later on. anyway, this is how i start my study time.

step two: read and mark my passage

i use the New Inductive Study Bible because it is made for marking. i don't like marking in my "normal" Bible, so it's extremely nice to have a specific one just for my marking and study. you may not have those issues, and that's awesome. i do, so i use this Bible. i'll talk more about the features in it in part five, when i list some resources for you.

so, i read my passage through. usually out loud. there's something about reading it aloud that i love. then i read it through a few times more. marking key words, people, places, times, grammar and anything else of note. i use some great pens and colored pencils for my marking.

i have a bookmark with key things to look for as well as an index card that i make when starting a new book. i keep these in my Bible, right where i left off, to remind me of what markings/colors i've been using so i can keep it consistent.

step three: mark in the margins

next, i mark in the margins of my Bible. i may note certain things/events. i will often divide the text up into sub-sections and label these. anything that i need/want to make note of that isn't taken care of in the markings (or needs extra attention) i mark.

step four: i write down the 5w's and an h

i keep a study binder for this and all of the following steps. i take a blank piece of ruled loose-leaf paper and label the top with the book and chapter and the theme of that chapter (sometimes i think about the theme overnight before i find the one that i think is best). then i start with who. i list out all of the people in that chapter. then i go to the what (what's happening), when (when it's happening), where (where it's happening), why (why it's happening), and how (how things are happening or how things will happen). i try to be brief, but get all the points in there. as i do this i'm rereading the text again.

step five: i list the key words, people, places, phrases and time

i just look over my markings and make a list of all of the key things in the passage. any repeated phrases. any mentions of time. any mentioned places or people. any key words.

step six: illustrations

i then illustrate the chapter. yup, i do. just stick-figure people and really simple shapes, but i find it helps me to go over the text again this way. if needed, i label what's going on in the picture and i mark what verses are covered. i actually, really enjoy this as it gives me another, more visual, way of seeing the story.

step seven: i make lists of the details about each key person, place, thing and idea

i have tabbed dividers in my binder. one for spiritual beings (God and satan and such), one for people, one for places, one for things, and one for ideas/concepts.

if i've marked a key person/place/thing/concept there will be a page for it in the appropriate section. at the top is the name and underneath i list everything i learned about that person/place/thing/concept in that passage. i use a simple list and include every possible detail. i also may list my inferences-like from chapter one i listed that God creates good things. next to each listed detail i put the passage it came from for easy reference. this is kind of like i'm making my own concordance of certain things.

step eight: i make maps and charts and timelines

the most common thing i do is make/keep what look like brainstorming charts. i'll have a particular thing in the middle (places in GEN, trees in GEN, peoples in GEN, etc) and i'll just make boxes with the appropriate items around it. it's another visual way to keep track of certain things, but it also gives me a way to track things not necessarily important enough to warrant a spot in the tabbed sections (like trees and all the people groups). sometimes there is an overlap in what i track in these charts and the tabbed sections. this is one of my favorite parts of my study-making these charts and adding to them. it's just fun to me.

i also will make timelines. i have a couple going right now-a general timeline of Genesis, a timeline of the events of the flood and i just started a timeline of the life of Abram. my first couple (like the one in the photo) are kind of messy, but i can always straighten them up later. it's kind of nice to be able to see when things happen and will be great when events overlap. i use graph paper for these.

next, the maps. i have only made one, but am getting ready for another one (to track Abram's travels). i use graph paper, because it's really thin and pull up the area i want to map on mapquest. yup, mapquest. then i put my paper on the screen (once i get it the size i want) and trace. i color in the water with blue (which helps to define the land masses) and mark the places and travels and events. it has worked out really well this way. i'm not concerned with it being perfect, just getting things relatively where they should be so i can see where things unfolded. 

step nine: a summary and application

i grab another piece of paper and make my own summary/paraphrase of each section of verses. i will also add my own thoughts and any questions i may have (which are usually really silly and impossible to answer, because that's the way my brain works). i highlight my questions so i can come back to them easily.

once i've done this, i write up a little application/extra thoughts at the end.

upon finishing the book

i plan to go back over all of my notes and info and questions. see if there are any holes or things i would like to find answers to. and then i'll try to find the answers. in commentaries or articles on the web. or anything really. i also may do a summary of each person/key place/concept/thing in that book. we shall see.

and that's my process. like i said, sometimes i can get through one chapter in a day and sometimes i take two or three or more days. i just take as long as i need. i also don't stress if i miss a day or two (or a week). i just get back into it and move on. i have found myself getting more and more consistent as the time passes and i am truly enjoying each time i study. i am learning and growing and it's awesome.

again, feel free to ask any questions you may have for me!!!

Mon-pt. 01-feeling like a failure

Tues-pt. 02-basics of inductive study

Wed-pt. 03-how i do it (step-by-step)

Thurs-pt. 04-why i love it + why it works for me

Fri-pt. 05-list of resources

the journey...on Bible study (pt. 02)

while in college (yup, i went for a year) i attended campus crusade for Christ meetings (they're changing the name to cru next year). one of the leaders was the first to introduce me to the concept of inductive Bible study.

i was intrigued, but horrified at the thought of writing in my Bible (because i hate messy pages). i didn't really stick with it for long, but the concept stayed in the back of my mind.

in the following years i read several books on Bible study, but still hadn't found something that felt right for me. i continued trying things and then not sticking with it over and over again.

when we moved to illinois, i attended a women's Bible study where they were going through a kay arthur book. again, here was inductive Bible study right in front of me! i took the book home and devoured the first chapter-marking the text in the book and loving every moment.

something about the in-depth organization of it all finally felt right. the "discovering things for yourself". (i'll talk more about why i love it so much in part four)

p + i went to the Family Christian store where i picked up a copy of How to Study Your Bible by Kay Arthur. i went home and devoured it, taking notes and practicing the techniques. i still had a hang-up about getting my Bible messy, so i printed out passages to practice.

tomorrow, i'll go through my process step-by-step, but i just want to give you a brief overview of what inductive study is today.

basically, it's the process of taking your text and pulling everything you can out of it. on your own.

there are three steps to inductive study: observation, interpretation and application.

observation

you look at the text to discover what it's saying. who? what? when? where? why? and how? this is done through reading and re-reading the text at hand and marking it. you look for key words and people and places and repeated phrases. you look at how sections are divided and the context.

interpretation

you look at the text to discover what it's meaning. it goes hand in hand with observation and often they overlap.

application

once you know what the passage is saying and meaning, you discover how it all applies to your life. 

that is an extremely brief overview, but that's really what inductive study is. it's taking the text, as is, and studying it. it has worked really well for me, and tomorrow i'll go over how i use it in my study step-by-step.

and i highly recommend the book how to study your Bible (mentioned above) if you would like to learn more about inductive study or how to use markings. i'll post more resources on the final post of this series. :-)

as always, please feel free to ask me any questions you might have!!!

list of posts (previous and upcoming) in this series:

Mon-pt. 01-feeling like a failure

Tues-pt. 02-basics of inductive study

Wed-pt. 03-how i do it (step-by-step)

Thurs-pt. 04-why i love it + why it works for me

Fri-pt. 05-list of resources

the journey...on Bible study (pt. 01)

let me start by saying that studying my Bible has never come naturally nor easy to me. i don't know if it does to anyone, but some people certainly seem to struggle less than i do.

this has often left me feeling like a complete failure. like i wasn't as good as other Christians, because i struggled with this. i would start this plan or that plan or come up with a new plan and start out really consistent and well-intentioned. and then i'd start to get behind, or miss a day or two (or several) and end up feeling worse than i did before i had started.

i have tried all kinds of plans and methods to study my Bible. and it took me twenty-eight years to tweak out what worked and what didn't. to figure out how my brain worked when it came to studying my Bible and how to use that to my advantage. that it is okay that what works for others doesn't necessarily work for me. that i can take and leave aspects of different programs (and ones i come up with in my own head) to create something that works for me.

anyway, i thought maybe some of you feel the same way. maybe you could benefit from what has worked for me. maybe you'll find something that you can take and run with. and maybe it will show you what won't work for you. either way, i'd love to hear your own stories and what has worked/hasn't worked for you.

and please feel free to ask any questions you may have for me-you can leave them in the comments or e-mail me racheldallaire(at)gmail(dot)com!!! :-)

what to expect the rest of the week:

Mon-pt. 01-feeling like a failure

Tues-pt. 02-basics of inductive study

Wed-pt. 03-how i do it (step-by-step)

Thurs-pt. 04-why i love it + why it works for me

Fri-pt. 05-list of resources

 

the journey...i am trying

i am trying

• to blog every day (or at least a few times a week)
• to keep getting healthier (down 12lbs since June 1!!!)
• to keep this apartment in order (and effecient)
• to savor every last morsel that summer brings (and ponder it inside)
• to be present in every moment that i live (and document it)
• to get some last summer adventures in (before the passes get full of snow)
• to finish studying through Genesis (i'll have to share my process sometime)
• to read a chapter of the Bible with p each day (Luke right now)
• to keep up with my summer minibook (but i am a bit behind)
• to purge even more from this apt (getting excited for autumn cleaning in oct!!!)
• to live with less (and love it)
• to make some greener changes (but on a budget)
• to read a little bit each day (or night rather, right before bed)
• to organize my magazine clippings (into folders held in a milk crate)
• to be more open and outgoing at church (this is reeeaaalllly hard for me (that's what she said-yes, i just said that))
• to balance my extreme introversion with social situations (not easy at all)
• to participate in my life vs. standing on the sidelines (this summer has been great)
• to make some winter adventure plans (museums and close-to-home things)
• to get crafty/artsy again (moving and limited space has challenged me, but i shall prevail)
• to make p's birthday super special (it is his 30th after all)
• to spend more time outside (even just reading on the deck)
• to make better food choices (small steps, but i find i am more aware of what i'm eating)
• to grow and learn and become who i need to be (and who i long to be

i am trying

where i'm at...

blogging: I've been kind of taking a break from forcing myself to blog every day (beyond my photos-which I still love doing). I just kind of realized that I don't care if a lot of people read my blog. I, of course, love it when people do, but really it's a documentation of me and my life. It's about where I'm at right now. I don't need to grow my readership for it to be relevant. Sometimes I'll want to blog every day, and other times (like now), I won't. And that's totally okay. And once I realized that it was totally okay-I felt like a huge weight was lifted. If that means you don't want to follow my blog, I'm sorry. I really am, but really I blog for myself and my family and share what and when I feel like. That's what I want it to be. No pressure to do it a certain way or fulfill a certain "quota" of posts. :-)

minibooks: I am totally on a roll with this. I'm a storyteller and I always have been. I have always had this deep love for hearing stories and reading stories and having stories told to me. I love that minibooks can capture random stories, or stories around a topic. I love that I can express myself is a small way and collect pieces of myself and my life to include. I've also come to embrace the fact that I love simple. Cardstock or kraft paper and a pen are all I use (and maybe a little patterned paper). And that's okay too. For me, it's about the stories-not the art/creativity of the minibook as much. I also have embraced the fact that I don't really use photos. I love photos-and take tons-but they cost money to print. Money that we often can't afford to spend on photo prints. It's great-I have the photos on the computer/EHD/Facebook and I can enjoy them there (and I've been loving the combination of photos and words for my p365 this year). And occasionally, we get some printed up. However, for my minibooks I just focus on the story. I can always add photos in later. Or not. Either way-it's all good.

healthy living: I'm not doing so great with this. No matter what I tell myself, I have such a hard time getting motivated. I have tried anything and everything-trust me. I just have to do it. Starting today-I'm taking this month (and maybe...hopefully beyond) to drink no pop/sugary drinks. Water and iced tea it will be for me. I actually love iced tea and plan to keep both (water and tea) in the fridge for easy access. In addition to this, I'm getting out of the house more. My aim is for one walk five times every week. I want to see more of this city and state and I want to take it all in and live. I've just got to get out there and do it. And it doesn't hurt that my brother is visiting mid-June and I'd like to be able to keep up with him on hikes (and having him exclaim how I look like I've lost weight at the airport wouldn't hurt either :-).

church: I have to say I love our church like I haven't since the one I attended in my childhood. I've loved each of our churches and church families, but I've never felt more like we are in the right place at the right time as I do now. I cannot wait to get more and more involved and make some good friends. They have a focus on training men for ministry and sending them out/supporting them in starting their own churches. This is huge for Paul and myself. It's exactly what we needed and I think that this may be one of the major reasons God brought us here. Just postive, positive things there. So glad we found a church family so quickly (when we moved to IL it took us a couple of years before we found one-it's not always an easy process).

goals: I'm doing quite well with this. I figure if I'm 50% or more, I'm doing well. Ha! Seriously though, outside of the healthy living thing (see above), I've been pretty on track. I've been reading and cleaning (and shifting things to make sure everything is organized the best it can be) and making things and making plans for exploring.

crafts: I learned how to crochet a bit this week and am waiting on a book (bought with birthday money) to start on some granny square afghans. I would like to make one for each of the four littles for Christmas (I say "like to" because, well...the best laid plans...and all that :-). I'd also like to crochet one for us and some little animal toys for the littles for Christmas as well. This is going to involve a bunch of Skype chats and lessons with my mom because she's the master crocheter in our family and she'll be able to talk me through it. :-) And, let's face it, it makes it so much more fun and meaningful and special when I'm learning it from her vs. a youtube video or blog post. I have other projects (painting some art for our walls, sewing a pouch for my Kindle, sewing a special bed skirt for our bed since it sits against the wall in a corner and a list of minibooks to make) on the list for this month as well. 

photos: I've been taking at least one almost every day. I'm finding joy in it and not stressing if I miss one day (I just take two or three or four the next day or the day after). I absolutely love finding some little element or moment in our day that I can capture through my lens. Love it.

waiting: I am waiting for a birthday/Christmas package from Amazon. :-) I mainly got money for my birthday this year (much easier to ship than anything else) and a little bit from Christmas. I decided to get the new Family Tree Maker 2011 (I have 2009 right now) that comes with 6 months of membership to Ancestry.com. I am so stinking excited to put together more of our family history. I signed up for my 14 day free trial yesterday and within ten minutes hit a minefield-Paul's grandpa's birth certificate. His parents eventually gave him and his brother up, so we didn't know a lot about that side of the family. I found out his given name was different that what we knew and more about his parents (very cool-I also found their marriage certificate and then her birth certificate as well). Very very cool. We also decided on a small video camera that I can't wait to get. It will be so cool to make videos to show our family more that just our little apartment (which is all we can show with our webcam ha!). I keep eagerly checking my amazon account to see if they've shipped yet. Ha! :-)

I'm also waiting for spring. Winter here is very different than in the midwest. I love it, don't get me wrong. I love the milder temps and lack of much ice and snow. Love, love, love it. However, in the midwest you can still go everywhere-it's all open. Here-we can't. :-) There are a lot of seasonal roads. There are a lot of passes (as in, mountain passes) which require chains or traction tires to traverse. And so, some of our outdoor adventures in the winter are limited to what is immediately around us. Which is a great opportunity to get to know our city and explore it more, but I can't wait to go to Rainier and St. Helens and Hood and to the coast. Also, I love the changing seasons and can't wait for the flowers to bloom and to experience yet another season here (the only one we haven't yet).

visitors: I am so excited that we are going to get some visitors in the next few months. Paul's aunt will be spending a day with us in April after a kayak trip in WA and before she heads back to Florida. My brother and his wife will be spending a week or so in mid-June. It was supposed to be March, but Lisa couldn't get the time off so mid-June it is. :-) Scott will be climbing Mt. Hood and we'll spend the rest of the time exploring the area. Shortly after he and Lisa head home, Paul's mom will be arriving. We can't wait to show her around our new home. :-)

Lots going on. Lots to look forward to. Lots of good.

I love it.

the journey...a new me

I've written before about how I've had a hard time discovering my purpose in life. Figuring out who I am. The beginning of 2010 was a rough one for me. However, it ended headed in the right direction.

I know that every life has its ebb and flow. There are always going to be super great things that happen and then super not-so-great things that happen.

I've been riding that wave of life for my entire life. Ups and downs. Days filled with contentment and days filled with questioning. Days full of joy and days full of depression.

I am very intimately familiar with each of those feelings. I know how it feels to be on each end of the spectrum and everywhere in between. It has always been very difficult for me to ride out each of these kinds of days. When I was full of joy and contentment, I always worried that the not-so-great days were around the corner. When I was full of anguish and grief and depression, it was hard to believe that a good day would ever come again.

This year, I feel different (it started a couple months ago). I feel like these days are going to find me in a different state of mind this year. I know I'll still have bad days where I'm not on top of it. You know what? That's okay. It is a part of being a human living in this world that we live in. I have emotions. I'll feel the grief and pain just as I always have.

The difference? I see myself as a different person. Growing up, I wanted to be a doctor-scientific. I've come to realize that I was not made to be that way. I am creative. I was meant to be creative. I am going to live my life in a creative way. I was not made for traditional work, and I truly feel this is why a "traditional job" has never worked out for me.

God created me to see things differently than others. To notice details and cherish them. To look at light and color and line and shape in a special way. He created me to take photographs and try new things. To go on adventures and paint and cut paper. And realizing this has been amazingly freeing.

I have always tried to fit myself into a box. The box of what others would deem as successful for my life. The box of what others will think of me if I decide to stay home and be creative and try to make a life of it. The box of what use is it to scrapbook and tell my story when I will have no one to leave them to. The box of social interaction. The box of so many self-imposed expectations that I was drowning under the weight.

And this year, I've found my way out of the box. I took a scrapbook workshop (Elise Blaha Cripe's Big Mini workshop) in November last year, and while I know it was just about paper and glue and photos and stories....it was about so much more to me. It really helped me to define my "style".

This seems like such a simple and little thing, but it was so huge for me. In addition to figuring out what I like when it comes to paper and scrapbooks, I could finally see and list out the things that I loved when it came to how I want to decorate my house. I could recognize and list out what I loved and didn't love about my clothes. And from those lists, I could see a glimpse of who I was. Who I am.

Sounds silly, but you should try it. Seriously, figure out what you love when it comes to color/pattern/decor/clothes. You'll see that it tells a story about who you are.

That was when things started changing in my mind and heart. I've always kind of blended into the woodwork. In most situations, it suits me just fine. In my own mind, it was just not okay. I mean, shouldn't you seem a little bit special and valuable to yourself?

Then I won a spot in Ali Edwards' Yesterday and Today workshop. I watched the first video while fighting back tears. I have questioned myself and my scrapbooking-again, what is the point when I'll have no one that will care to read my story? During that video, I realized that stories and photos mean so much to me for a reason.

God is a great storyteller. God used story throughout the Bible (and oh, how I wish we had photos to go along with them-ha!). Jesus used stories to illustrate points He was trying to make. I get that from Him.

It just kind of clicked. I may not have children to leave my stories and photos to, but I have siblings and nieces and nephews and a great niece (soon to add two more) that can learn from my stories. There are people who will read my blog and maybe need to hear a certain story that I have to tell. A lesson that I've learned.

Above all. I need to tell my stories for me. They help me to see who I am and where I am going and where I want to go. They show me where I've come from. They clarify thoughts and events and epiphanies stuck in my head until they spill out onto paper. They show me the victories and losses and everything inbetween. They help to give my life meaning and purpose. They are the little altars in my life.

I am creative and I am adventurous. I will be both in 2011. This is the way God has made me and instead of trying to understand why I'm not....whatever I'm not, I am going to glory in the fact that I was created special. My purpose may not seem as grand as someone else's. My purpose may seem silly to a lot of people. I know a lot of people are just not going to get it. They are not going to get that I'm just not a very social person-it's awkward and uncomfortable to me (this doesn't mean I'm going to be reclusive-I'm just saying that my level of social activity is not going to be the same as a lot of others-and that's okay). They are not going to get that working a "normal job" keeps failing because it doesn't fit with who I am. They are not going to get that creating things, making art, taking photographs and telling stories is the thing that fulfills me. That it is my purpose in life. That God and I have a special way of communicating through these things. They are not going to get that going on adventures is another way that I communicate with God and strengthen my spiritual life. And you know what? I'm okay with that.

I know who I am. I have a purpose, and as silly and mundane and meaningless as it seems, I am going to live that purpose as fully and completely as I can. Through the great days and the not-so-great.

I am creative. I make art. I tell stories. I take photographs. I go on adventures. I have a purpose.

the journey...no fight left

A few months ago, I told Paul that I was giving up on ever having children. He didn't really like that I felt that way, but he was really sweet and patient about it. The next day I saw a poster that said, "Don't ever give up on something you can't go a day without thinking about". Certainly, a day doesn't pass that I don't think about having children or my inability to do such a basic thing that most women can do. However, it is so hard to maintain hope. To keep fighting the despair and grief that are constantly there over this issue.

I have days where I feel extremely optimistic. I have days where I am so overcome with sorrow about our almost seven years of trying with no result that I can hardly function.

Don't get me wrong, I'm so very grateful for the life that I have. For Paul and our wonderful families and Wawa. I had a mother tell me once to not take for granted the fact that I had peaceful quiet and time to myself because they missed that sometimes. As much as I can, I totally get it. I know that momma's need a break every now and then to take care of themselves. However, I can guarantee that 99% of momma's wouldn't trade their children for all of the peace in the world. You had the option, and you chose to have a child. And even more children after that. You could most likely choose to have children or not.

I can't.

I have no option.

I am barren.

If I could, I'd choose children. A hundred times over having time to myself.

I feel selfish a lot of times because of this. I have a great family and husband and yet I want more. And I have prayed and cried about it over and over again. And I have no idea why God has chosen me to be barren. I have no idea why he would allow Paul to marry me when I can't give him the most basic thing-a child. I don't know why we have to deal with this when there are people who can afford adoption and yet have their own children while we can do neither.

Sometimes it gets to me. And after almost seven years, I am quite empty. I tend to be apathetic about it 90% of the time, because I just can't do it anymore. I can't fight it. I can't process it. I just try to be content and happy and live my life while my barrenness mocks me day after day.

I stumbled upon the song "No Fight Left" by JJ Heller when Kayla Aimee mentioned another of her songs "Your Hands" re:the situation with Scarlette. The lyrics captured me and are like a mirror into my soul. It is one of my new favorite songs because it's something I've been feeling lately. I have no fight left in me about this. And I love that the lyrics point to the fact that maybe it's so that we have to give the situation over to God and let Him carry it. I know I've carried mine for way too long and I am so ready to give it over. To let go.

It has become too hard for me to keep fighting.

JJ Heller "No Fight Left"

It's hard to tell
If my eyes are open
When all I see is dark

And it's easy, it's easy
To lose my step, to lose my step

There is no fight left
On the inside
But maybe, that's where I should be

I've given up tryin'
I'm giving it all to you

When I use to dream of a life so lovely
There'd be no room for tears
Now letting go, yea letting go
Is the hardest part, it's the hardest part

There is no fight left
On the inside
But maybe, that's where I should be

I've given up tryin'
I'm giving it all to you
Oh oh oh...

There is no place I can go
Where you don't already know
How to reach right down
And pull me out

I need you oh i need you
I need you

There is no fight left
On the inside
But maybe, that's where I should be

I've given up tryin'
I'm giving it all

There is no fight left
On the inside
But maybe, that's where I should be

I've given up tryin'
I'm giving it all yea
I've given up tryin'
I'm giving it all yea and
I've given up tryin'
I'm giving it all... to you