So, I'm going back to school this fall. I will be taking five classes (Drawing 1, 2-D Design, Photography, Intermediate Algebra (I have to take an extra math-it's been seven years people!!) and English 1). As of right now I am pursuing a transfer degree in Fine Arts. I am hoping to get a degree in graphic design. I'm not sure exactly what area I want to go with that degree, but print design is my current thought. I figure I will try a lot of it out in my classes and be able to make a better decision then.
It was an extremely difficult decision to make. Once upon a time, I was in college. I was going to be a doctor-seriously. In my freshman year, I met Paul and really felt that God had different plans for me. All of my life I had wanted to be two things-a doctor and a mother. I would tell people that I wanted to have twenty-two children. :-) It was a big decision to leave school. I knew I was letting down my brothers and a lot of other people. I had lots of conversations with God about what He wanted me to do with my life. And I ultimately made the decision to leave school. I was very comfortable with that decision-very at peace.
I felt like I was ready to start my life as a wife and mother. When we had children, I wanted to be a stay at home mom. It would be a waste of money and my time to continue with college. That brings us to now. Paul and I have been married for five and a half years. Five years ago, we started trying to have children. The infertility took me completely by surprise. Seriously, how many women do you know that have children? That have children easily? That can plan when to have them? It's just a for granted thing. Of course I was going to have the children I'd dreamed about. Why wouldn't I?
But it didn't happen. Things didn't turn out the way I had planned. I don't regret my decision, I still firmly believe that God was telling me that I should leave school. The past five years have been hard, and I've been spared the extra stress of school and interships and clinicals. It really has been a blessing. However, for about a year I have been wondering what I'm supposed to do with my life.
What if we don't have children ever? Where does that leave me? I see how people look at me when told I'm a housewife. It's not acceptable anymore. Fifty years ago it was the norm (my grandma never even drove!), but it's obviously not anymore. It's not seen as a worthy occupation to take care of the home and husband. And it has bothered me. Not because I felt bad about what I was doing, but because people look down on it. It's a perfectly acceptable thing to do. However, I always say "housewife" with embarassment and shame. I'm a people pleaser and I know that people think of a housewife in a somewhat negative light. If I had children, no one would think twice about it. "Oh, you're a stay at home mom! That's great!" But I don't have children.
I started to wonder what I would do if we never had children, a very real possibility. I feel taht most likely, we won't have children. I've accepted it and sometimes I'm okay with it. So I had this long dialogue with myself. What do I do now? If I go to school and act like we're never going to have children, does that mean I've given up on hope? Does being content with that fact mean my faith is gone? What happens if I go to school and get pregnant at some point?
Some of those questions are still working their way through my mind. Others I've answered for myself. I decided to get a degree in something that would allow me to be the hands-on at-home mom I wanted to be. At first I thought of library science. I love books. I love being by myself. I love the not-so-social aspect of it. I could have my kids come in there after school or on days off if need be. It would be fairly low-stress and low-key. Sounded pretty good, but not perfect.
So, I mapped out all of the things I love. All of the things that inspire me. All of the things I love to do. And I looked at the underlying themes. It all came back to creativity and beauty and words and documentation and family and that sort of thing. And I realized that what I would love to do is design. I love type, I love colors and photos and good solid design. The thing that cinched it for me was the work-from-home aspect of it. I can do as much or as little work as I want and can be here when Paul is here (and maybe kids someday). I would love to do invitations and stationary types of things, and (don't laugh) I really really really would love to design travel guides (like the ones you can order to plan your vacation). :-) I know, silly huh? And since it's a general fine arts degree, I can always switch to photography when I transfer if I decide design isn't for me (and can take some photo classes along with my design classes anyway!).
I chose community college because it's only $72 per credit hour. I can take three classes for the price of one of Paul's (roughly). :-) Cost was a big issue for me. Creating more debt is a big concern of mine. I went back and forth and back and forth and finally Paul had to say "just do it".
He's been super great about it. My number one encourager and supporter. I got a great Pell grant (covering 1/3 of my tuition each semester), and shouldn't have to take out too much in loans. That makes me feel a lot better about the whole thing.
So, here I am a college student again. I'm excited and nervous at the same time. I am looking forward to the english class. But am nervous about my art classes. I know that's silly, but I'm not a great drawer. And having someone look at my photography is very scary to me.
I start at the end of August. I have orientation shortly before I begin and I will get my school supplies (I can't wait-I love buying school supplies).
Anyway, just thought I'd share my thoughts on going back to school. It's a big step for me. I haven't been in school since 2003. I have no idea how it's all going to work out for me. The plan is to do five semesters (two regular years and the summer between) and then transfer. I have no idea where we'll land after Paul's graduation spring 2010, so I may be transfering before I'm done at community college. And that's okay-I am willing to go wherever God leads us. I'm just praying that this is the right thing for me right now. :-)
